Relationship OCD

Today is not a totally stress free day but then again most of my days contain some form of stress. The only difference is the intensity level. So, on a scale of 1 - 10, 10 being the highest degree of stress, I'm somewhere in the general area of a 4 at the moment. Earlier this morning I was definitely an 8 so you see it varies. There are some days when I have no anxiety at all. They're very rare but they do occur. I like to call them my normal days. Days where I actually feel like a normal person with a normal life....

Today I'd like to talk about my relationship obsessive compulsive disorder or ( ROCD ).
I think I can honestly say that this particular form of the disorder is the hardest one for me to cope with. Now before I begin I'd like to say that a lot of people will probably see me as being an insecure person. Let me be the first one to say that I am a very insecure person. I admit that but this problem borders more toward my OCD than it does with being insecure. The insecurity is the fact that I always feel jealous. I've always been that way to an extent. I want to be the center of attention all the time and I think that that has a lot to do with the fact that I was an only child and very spoiled. I am very self conscious about myself because I have a weight problem I've been battling all of my life. I'm losing my youth and not feeling as pretty as I once did. That's something that many women my age feel from time to time. There are a lot of insecure people in the world.

There are different forms of ROCD that deal with the feelings a person has for their significant other to thoughts of infidelity whether it be the ROCD sufferer being unfaithful or their lover. Unfortunately most relationships fail when ROCD is present because it puts too much of a strain on the relationship. It's really sad because very promising relationships are shattered due to this illness.

In my case I am forever wondering if my partner is cheating on me. I have a very huge problem with trust and sometimes will go to great links to catch him in an affair of some sort. I've even had obsessive unwanted thoughts of him engaging in sex with other women. What makes it so bad is that I can fantasize about him forever having sex with another woman but in real life, I'd be quite upset with him if he did. It's very odd you see. I may have a fantasy about him and see him naked with another woman doing many different pleasurable and passionate things and even get stimulated over the thoughts. I find him so attractive and he turns me on so much that I really enjoy seeing him in the act which is why I look at him so much during our sexual encounters together. But I would never want to actually watch him having sex with a woman for real. I couldn't do it because it would hurt me to see him giving someone else affection.

I often think to myself that if he were seeing other women, how would he have so much time to spend with me? I also think to myself that a person believing in The Law of Attraction would have a field day with this. As they say, " You attract your dominant thoughts." or " We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think." Just look up the Law of Attraction quotes and you'll see what I mean.
I basically once again become the private investigator with this form of the illness. I'm terribly ashamed and feel very badly for my partner who I must admit has been more than patient and understanding with me regarding my illness. Many times the coincidences happen when I'm obsessing about him which only heightens the intensity of my anxiety and depression which in turn makes me carry out some really off the wall rituals. Just typing this post is making me get anxiety. Wow....