Coincidences

Well, today was no different than yesterday in as much as it being extremely long and very tiring. I'd like to talk a bit about coincidences. I'm sure that most people experience coincidences in their lives at some point or another. I know I do. For the average person, a coincidence is just that. Something that happens on occasion and they may take notice or maybe not. They may even be a bit shocked but for the most part, it's acknowledged and then forgotten as they go on with their daily lives. That's the way it should be, right?

However, for a person with OCD, a coincidence can be quite a miserable experience. At least it is for me. There was a time in my life when I used to have coincidences happen and they would be so fun to have. I would get excited and even find them quite funny at times. They would come and go and I wouldn't dwell on them or try to over analyze them. There would be no hidden agenda for me having them. A coincidence was just an occurrence of mere chance. Luck or fate but nothing more or less.
That's all changed now....

I can honestly say that I experience coincidences every single day of my life. I think all people have them happen more than they even realize but with my OCD, my level of perceptiveness is as sharp as a knife. I don't miss a thing. I'm always watching or observing and I believe that that's the exact reason that I tend to notice the coincidences so often. The bad part is that most times when I have one it almost always ends up being negative. It's either labeled as something that's going to happen and be a bad experience or it's the result of someone doing something in a negative way against me. This is how I label the coincidences. I then have to analyze them. I don't know why but I have to investigate to find out the reason for which they're happening. It's like I'm a private investigator of some sort. I leave no stone unturned as I slowly peel away each shred of evidence and analyze every word said or thing that happened with my little magnifying glass. It's like I'm looking at everything through a microscope because I sure as hell don't want to miss any clue that may solve the big mystery. And of course the whole time I'm playing this " I Spy " thing, my level of anxiety is through the roof. I continue doing this until I've totally exhausted every avenue of thinking. Every scenario, every or any possible pathway is traveled and then the ritual is finally done. Because that's what it is. A ritual. And I absolutely loathe it.

So you're probably wondering why I torture myself in this way, right? Well, I don't choose to do this to myself. If I had a choice in the matter, this wouldn't be happening at all but I don't. I am just a prisoner here. A prisoner of my own mind and I'm handcuffed and shackled as I'm being led through this torture chamber. It's a shame really. I mean, I know that this behavior is totally irrational. I know that there's no need for it. I know that it's all in my head but at the time I'm experiencing it, my mind isn't allowing me to recognize any of that. Hence the unwanted thought. At the time this ritual is being played out, all I want is peace of mind. I want to stop the anxiety. I have to feed the obsession. Of course after I'm finished, time has flown by. It could be an hour or many hours. And at this point, I'm mentally drained. So much time wasted but I feel a sense of satisfaction or calm if that makes any sense. Oh how I wish I didn't have this illness. I wish I could have my life back. I wish I could enjoy coincidences like I used to do. All I can do is remain hopeful that one day I will be able to take control of this mind altering illness and live my life without so much fear and worry.