About The Checking

I wanted to continue talking about checking things over and over each day. As I'd said before, I'm not quite as bad with checking as I once was but I still do check on certain things. There was a period in my life where I would be driving to work or wherever and a thought would come to my mind that would make me begin wondering like for instance...
The coffee pot. I was so deathly afraid to leave the coffee pot on even though it has an automatic shut off on it I just couldn't bear knowing that there was a possibility that I'd left it on. So I'd literally have to turn my vehicle around and drive like a maniac back to my house just to make sure. Of course, once I arrived and saw that the coffee pot was off, I was relieved, not to mention embarrassed but more calm all the same and before heading off again for work, I'd have to make one more final sweep of the entire house to check all of the ashtrays. Getting to work on time was a great challenge for me then and it's a wonder that I didn't get pulled over for driving like I was at the Indianapolis 500. lol

Although I still worry about the coffee pot and the ashtrays, I seem to be able to be content with checking them a few times before leaving, (mainly the ashtrays) and my roommate always tells me that he turned the coffee pot off. He does his best to help me out and I so much appreciate him being understanding. I think it's pretty good that I don't have to drive back home anymore. I don't exactly know how I was able to overcome that but for some reason I don't feel the necessity to do that anymore.
That's another reason that I know that I can get rid of this OCD. I wasn't on any medication back then at all when I stopped checking as much either. Odd isn't it...

I've also noticed that my anxiety level is not as high when I have these little checking activities going on. It seems to just be something that I have to do without that fearful feeling coming over me. I really don't understand this but then again I don't understand lots of things about OCD.

Just Checking

Stove turned off? Check. No burning ashes in ashtrays? Check. Coffee Maker turned off? Check. Debit card in wallet? Check & Double Check because I really lose my mind when I don't see that blue little B of A card w/my photo on it in my wallet. Dog & Cat fed & given fresh water? Check. Got my lunch, purse, keys, garage door clicker? Check, Check, Check,Check. Front door locked w/ chain? Check.Are all of the lights off in the house? Check. 
Okay, it's time for me to leave for work. I always go out through the back door by the kitchen. Locked the door twice? Check, Check.

So, I'm walking to the garage with a million thoughts flooding into my brain. I get into my vehicle, start it and then all of a sudden I think I should go back into the house just to make sure that the coffee pot is off and the ashtrays have no burning ashes or cigarettes in them. I will say that I have calmed down on this. I don't seem to worry as much about checking things. I do however check the ashtrays in the house before I leave because I have a huge fear of my house catching on fire for some reason. I'll blog more on this subject another time as it's getting late and I need to go to bed.

Recognizing the Habit

For as long as I can remember I've had what I often refer to as flashes in my mind of doing harm to someone. Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I DO NOT have any desires to go out and kill anyone or do anyone any harm at all. I don't have it in me to do things like that. I am not a violent person. I never have been. Which is why it was so confusing to me as to why I would even entertain a thought like that. Of course I now know that this is just another one of those unwanted thoughts brought on by my OCD.

Let me give you an example of  what I'm talking about. There have been times where I may have been going to get a knife to cut something. Some chicken or a vegetable or whatever and a person would be with me and for a split second I would have a terrible thought of stabbing them which would totally devastate me especially if it were someone whom I am very close to. I KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS TO ANYONE IN MY RIGHT MIND! I don't want to do something like that. I mean if my home were being invaded or I was being robbed or in some sort of dangerous situation where I had to defend myself or be killed then that's a different story but for me to just stab or cut or hurt someone physically out of the blue for no reason at all is totally nuts!! I absolutely hate having these thoughts! I don't want them. They are uninvited thoughts. Unwanted thoughts. OCD thoughts. And anytime I have one of these thoughts I dismiss it from my mind right away. I don't dwell on it or try to analyze it. I just take it out of mind as quickly as I can and that is why I know that I can beat this OCD. If I can stop the unwanted thought in a matter of seconds, ( which is what I always do when I encounter this situation ) then I should be able to apply the same pattern of thought to all of my other unwanted thoughts, right?
Well.....for some reason it's not that easy for me. I think because of the fact that I have such a high regard for life itself and totally loathe the thought of losing people whom I care for deeply and even seeing any person die that that is why it is so much more easier for me to disconnect the thought and remove it from my mind so quickly. I know it is a bad thought. I know it is wrong. I know it is something that I would never ever want to carry out. 


A lot of my other unwanted thoughts harbor a huge amount of fear. You see I don't fear that I am going to kill or hurt anyone because I know I could never do that. But the other unwanted thoughts are more deep seeded and are either connected to things I feel that I have no control over or things that just scare me so bad that they put me in an immediate state of anxiety. Like for instance, I know I have no control over whether or not the man I'm involved with finds another woman attractive. I can't stop that from happening. I also can't stop him from having sex with another woman. See? No control. Coincidences are a part of life. You can't control them. They just happen. That's why they're called coincidences. So again they are something that I have no control over and that bothers me for some reason. It's not really the fact that I have no control over the coincidences. It's the fact that I experience them so often that my mind begins believing that they are happening for some kind of reasons mostly negative or bad. And I know that the mere fact that I notice them on such a regular basis is just my OCD acting up. I can make a coincidence out of some of the most minuscule things! Things most people wouldn't even recognize a correlation between but for some reason I do. Irrational thinking? Of course it is! 


I've been watching some videos made by a man named Derek Soto. He is an ex-OCD sufferer who puts information on the internet to help people who struggle with all forms of OCD. I've learned from him that OCD is just basically a habit. Just like smoking or biting your nails, OCD is something that a person begins habitually doing in their lives. And just like a person can quit smoking or biting their nails, people can overcome OCD and stop having the unwanted thoughts. Of course it's easier said than done because I am still battling this problem but at least I have accepted the fact that I have OCD and am trying to help rid myself of it or kick the habit. If you'd like to view some of Derek's videos you can go either to you tube and key his name in the search bar or you can go to this website , or you can also go  here.  He has a mother lode of information that is very helpful. 
Well, I'm off work today and feeling much better than I have been for the past 2 days. I had an upset stomach accompanied by cold sweats which was not the most pleasant thing. My head was pounding for 2 days straight but now all of that seems to have dissipated thank goodness. Enjoy your day!
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OCD FILM

THIS IS A FILM I FOUND ON YOU TUBE. IT MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME I WATCH IT. 
 
 

FEARS AND ANXIETY

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN AFRAID? HAVE YOU EVER ALLOWED FEAR TO CONSUME YOU? HAS THERE EVER BEEN A TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU FELT AS THOUGH YOU WERE TRAPPED WITH NOWHERE TO RUN TO OR HIDE? HA! I ASK THESE QUESTIONS WITH THAT SONG BY MARTHA REEVES AND THE VANDELLAS ON MY MIND. YOU REMEMBER? NOWHERE TO RUN TO BABY. NOWHERE TO HIDE.
THERE ARE DAYS IN MY LIFE WHERE I FEEL EXACTLY LIKE THAT AND UNLIKE THE HAPPY FEELINGS AND FOND MEMORIES THAT THAT SONG BRINGS TO MIND, I FEEL COMPLETELY LOST AND OUT OF CONTROL. LIKE A MOUSE IN A MAZE. IT'S AWFUL.

I FELT LIKE THAT TODAY. I WAS PARANOID AND FULL OF ANXIETY AND FEAR. I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT SINCE I WAS AT WORK. I JUST HAD TO RIDE IT OUT. I'VE GOTTEN PRETTY GOOD AT MASKING MY FEELINGS. IT'S VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO BUT I CAN DO IT WHEN I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. I BELIEVE THAT OUTSIDE OF THE OBVIOUS TRIGGERS FOR THESE FEELINGS TO COME ABOUT THERE IS ALSO A DIRECT CORRELATION WITH THE FOODS I EAT WHICH CAN SOMETIMES CAUSE ME TO FLIP OUT. I GUESS IT WOULD MAKE PERFECT SENSE SINCE OCD HAS TO DO WITH SEROTONIN LEVELS IN THE BRAIN.

I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF WORRYING AND BEING FEARFUL OR PARANOID THAT I COULD JUST SCREAM!!

I SHUTTER TO THINK HOW I'LL BE WHEN I GO INTO MENOPAUSE. OMG!! I HOPE THEY HAVE A ROOM READY FOR ME IN THE PSYCH WARD. LOL
I TRY NOT TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO APPROACH ME WITH LOTS OF NEGATIVE DRAMAS BECAUSE I DON'T NEED IT. I HAVE ENOUGH STRESS IN MY LIFE. I KNOW THAT MAY SOUND HEARTLESS BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DEAL WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN BE A BIT OVERWHELMING. SOME OF THE PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN MISERABLE AND AS THE SAYING GOES: MISERY LOVES COMPANY. WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO ENTERTAIN THEM. I IMMEDIATELY INTERRUPT THEM WHILE THEY'RE IN MID SENTENCE AND LET THEM KNOW THAT I DON'T EVEN WANNA HEAR IT. I CAN'T AND IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THEN THAT'S JUST TOO BAD. I HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF. I'M SURE THEY CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO WALLOW IN THEIR ANGER AND MISERY WITH THEM. I'M NOT THE ONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT SOME DAYS I CAN FIGHT THE FEARS OR PARANOIA AND ANXIETY WITHOUT MEDS BUT MOST TIMES I CAN'T. I'M HOPING THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO WORK ON THAT AND TRAIN MYSELF TO HANDLE THESE FEELINGS IN A MORE EFFECTIVE WAY. 
I DIDN'T SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I TOOK 2 SLEEPING PILLS. MY BODY WAS ACHING WHICH IS PROBABLY WHAT KEPT ME FROM RESTING FULLY. I'M PRETTY SLEEPY NOW THOUGH SO HOPEFULLY I'LL GET SOME REST AND HAVE A BETTER START TOMORROW. WE'LL SEE....

Symmetry

I've been very tired all day and it's probably because I've been in a state of anxiety from the time I'd awaken early this morning until when I laid down earlier this evening. I'm no longer feeling anxious but I'm so drained.
Today seemed to be a day of organization. I am a very organized person especially at work. Because of my OCD everything is magnified in regards to this subject.
For example, if I have to stack anything the pile has to be completely rigid and straight. Like papers or boxes and if it's boxes all of the labels must be facing the same way. With papers, they have to be in order either numerically or by headings or sometimes in alphabetical order which can be a rather tall task. Also the papers have to be squared up neatly by the edges. It drives me insane if they aren't. I often wondered why it is so hard for my fellow coworkers to be this orderly but I now know that it comes so easily to me to keep things in order as I work because of my illness. It just comes naturally to me but the average person doesn't even think of these things in this way. I can be extremely anal at times. It's unreal.

The funny thing is that although I am so heavily organized at work, it's the opposite at home. I mean, I'm not a slob by any means. I do have the symmetry thing going on in some parts of my home but I can also be a pack rat too. My kitchen table is a perfect example. I have a problem keeping that area free from clutter. Most of the time it's just receipts from purchases or the bank. I don't know why it's so hard for me to throw store receipts away. It's crazy! And whenever I look at my kitchen table it drives me crazy but for some reason I'm not compelled to organize it until it just gets way out of hand. Then I'll go on a cleaning phase and get rid of all of the receipts, envelopes, pieces of mail or advertising crap and collect all of my bank receipts and put them away in an orderly fashion. When I can finally see my kitchen table I feel such a sense of relief! Unfortunately it only lasts for about a week and then I start all over again with the collecting of trash.

Outside of my weird kitchen habits, the rest of my house is pretty well in order. My bookshelves are neat, old record album collection stands neatly inside my large bookshelves and is in alphabetical order. I don't have company often but when I do, I almost always have to pick up behind them after they leave. I mean like if they have a soda or something to drink, they just leave it sitting anywhere in the house. That drives me up the wall! Or if they have a snack and leave the bag halfway open or even worse, they'll leave the bag out rather than putting it back in the pantry where they got it from. That just sends me over the edge ya know.
My computer desk is very organized. I have all of my pens together as well as pencils and markers. That's 3 separate sections. Actually, I have a lot of things on my desk that I never even use but everything is placed in a neat and orderly fashion.

Well, I'm gonna have to hit the hay before I fall asleep at this computer. Here's to hoping I have an anxiety free day tomorrow. Sweet Dreams.....

Relationship OCD

Today is not a totally stress free day but then again most of my days contain some form of stress. The only difference is the intensity level. So, on a scale of 1 - 10, 10 being the highest degree of stress, I'm somewhere in the general area of a 4 at the moment. Earlier this morning I was definitely an 8 so you see it varies. There are some days when I have no anxiety at all. They're very rare but they do occur. I like to call them my normal days. Days where I actually feel like a normal person with a normal life....

Today I'd like to talk about my relationship obsessive compulsive disorder or ( ROCD ).
I think I can honestly say that this particular form of the disorder is the hardest one for me to cope with. Now before I begin I'd like to say that a lot of people will probably see me as being an insecure person. Let me be the first one to say that I am a very insecure person. I admit that but this problem borders more toward my OCD than it does with being insecure. The insecurity is the fact that I always feel jealous. I've always been that way to an extent. I want to be the center of attention all the time and I think that that has a lot to do with the fact that I was an only child and very spoiled. I am very self conscious about myself because I have a weight problem I've been battling all of my life. I'm losing my youth and not feeling as pretty as I once did. That's something that many women my age feel from time to time. There are a lot of insecure people in the world.

There are different forms of ROCD that deal with the feelings a person has for their significant other to thoughts of infidelity whether it be the ROCD sufferer being unfaithful or their lover. Unfortunately most relationships fail when ROCD is present because it puts too much of a strain on the relationship. It's really sad because very promising relationships are shattered due to this illness.

In my case I am forever wondering if my partner is cheating on me. I have a very huge problem with trust and sometimes will go to great links to catch him in an affair of some sort. I've even had obsessive unwanted thoughts of him engaging in sex with other women. What makes it so bad is that I can fantasize about him forever having sex with another woman but in real life, I'd be quite upset with him if he did. It's very odd you see. I may have a fantasy about him and see him naked with another woman doing many different pleasurable and passionate things and even get stimulated over the thoughts. I find him so attractive and he turns me on so much that I really enjoy seeing him in the act which is why I look at him so much during our sexual encounters together. But I would never want to actually watch him having sex with a woman for real. I couldn't do it because it would hurt me to see him giving someone else affection.

I often think to myself that if he were seeing other women, how would he have so much time to spend with me? I also think to myself that a person believing in The Law of Attraction would have a field day with this. As they say, " You attract your dominant thoughts." or " We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think." Just look up the Law of Attraction quotes and you'll see what I mean.
I basically once again become the private investigator with this form of the illness. I'm terribly ashamed and feel very badly for my partner who I must admit has been more than patient and understanding with me regarding my illness. Many times the coincidences happen when I'm obsessing about him which only heightens the intensity of my anxiety and depression which in turn makes me carry out some really off the wall rituals. Just typing this post is making me get anxiety. Wow....

Coincidences

Well, today was no different than yesterday in as much as it being extremely long and very tiring. I'd like to talk a bit about coincidences. I'm sure that most people experience coincidences in their lives at some point or another. I know I do. For the average person, a coincidence is just that. Something that happens on occasion and they may take notice or maybe not. They may even be a bit shocked but for the most part, it's acknowledged and then forgotten as they go on with their daily lives. That's the way it should be, right?

However, for a person with OCD, a coincidence can be quite a miserable experience. At least it is for me. There was a time in my life when I used to have coincidences happen and they would be so fun to have. I would get excited and even find them quite funny at times. They would come and go and I wouldn't dwell on them or try to over analyze them. There would be no hidden agenda for me having them. A coincidence was just an occurrence of mere chance. Luck or fate but nothing more or less.
That's all changed now....

I can honestly say that I experience coincidences every single day of my life. I think all people have them happen more than they even realize but with my OCD, my level of perceptiveness is as sharp as a knife. I don't miss a thing. I'm always watching or observing and I believe that that's the exact reason that I tend to notice the coincidences so often. The bad part is that most times when I have one it almost always ends up being negative. It's either labeled as something that's going to happen and be a bad experience or it's the result of someone doing something in a negative way against me. This is how I label the coincidences. I then have to analyze them. I don't know why but I have to investigate to find out the reason for which they're happening. It's like I'm a private investigator of some sort. I leave no stone unturned as I slowly peel away each shred of evidence and analyze every word said or thing that happened with my little magnifying glass. It's like I'm looking at everything through a microscope because I sure as hell don't want to miss any clue that may solve the big mystery. And of course the whole time I'm playing this " I Spy " thing, my level of anxiety is through the roof. I continue doing this until I've totally exhausted every avenue of thinking. Every scenario, every or any possible pathway is traveled and then the ritual is finally done. Because that's what it is. A ritual. And I absolutely loathe it.

So you're probably wondering why I torture myself in this way, right? Well, I don't choose to do this to myself. If I had a choice in the matter, this wouldn't be happening at all but I don't. I am just a prisoner here. A prisoner of my own mind and I'm handcuffed and shackled as I'm being led through this torture chamber. It's a shame really. I mean, I know that this behavior is totally irrational. I know that there's no need for it. I know that it's all in my head but at the time I'm experiencing it, my mind isn't allowing me to recognize any of that. Hence the unwanted thought. At the time this ritual is being played out, all I want is peace of mind. I want to stop the anxiety. I have to feed the obsession. Of course after I'm finished, time has flown by. It could be an hour or many hours. And at this point, I'm mentally drained. So much time wasted but I feel a sense of satisfaction or calm if that makes any sense. Oh how I wish I didn't have this illness. I wish I could have my life back. I wish I could enjoy coincidences like I used to do. All I can do is remain hopeful that one day I will be able to take control of this mind altering illness and live my life without so much fear and worry.

An Introduction to my World

The purpose of this blog is to journal my life and experiences with obsessive compulsive disorder, ( OCD ) relationship obsessive compulsive disorder, ( ROCD ) anxiety, depression and all other things associated with this illness. I'm hopeful that through my writing I will one day be able to control it enough to allow me to live a happy normal life. I also hope that this blog will serve as a helpful tool to other OCD sufferers and allow people who have this illness to vent and/or share their stories as well. I want people to know that they are not alone. At least that is my intent....

OCD can be a very frustrating and time consuming illness which can often take over your life. The obsessions, ( unwanted thoughts ) and the compulsions, ( rituals ) can sometimes interfere with your normal daily activity and ruin your entire day. There are cases in which a person suffering with OCD is unable to function in life. They can't hold done a job or visit with friends. Nor can they have a relationship with someone since the illness can sometimes tend to hinder these things. There are also cases in which a person can still function in their daily life but 90% of the time they're experiencing some sort of stress along with it whether it be anxiety, depression, loneliness or even guilt. OCD can be a very exhausting illness. A person can go through so many changes in a day that they can become literally mentally and physically drained. Completely worn out. I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy.

I'm not exactly sure as to when OCD invaded my life. I may have had this all along and as time went on and I grew up, the OCD grew as well like a weed. I've been paranoid ever since childhood but I always figured that my paranoia was because I was very shy and withdrawn. My social setting was somewhat negative as far as schooling and friends. I never quite fit in which made my life pretty much of a living hell as a child.

Fast forwarding to the present time, as I am now an adult. I'm 44 years old. I can say that I've grown more aware of my illness within the past 5 years. Although I was never a mathematician in school, I have an odd interest in numbers. I can remember numbers extremely well. I don't even have to write them down. All I need to do is hear them or see them one time and they're locked into my brain. It's not just the numbers but rather anything to do with numbers, ie: birthdays, calendar events/dates, license plates, phone numbers, codes, etc... Another example is when I'm shopping for instance. If I'm in the produce department and buying some fruit, I will generally tend to buy 4 of anything. Sometimes 6 or more but most of the time it's 4 and it definitely has to be an even number. Never odd. Nope. Because in my mind I think that it has to be that way or else. Or else what you ask? Well, I don't know. I guess my mind feels that something wouldn't be right or would go wrong if I don't do it this way. Of course I know that this is irrational thinking but it's what I think.

I've had a long day today and I'm getting sleepy. Perhaps I'll get on later to type more or maybe not. One things for sure, tomorrow is another day. Another challenging day.