Well I'm up early this morning. I think I've had about 12 hours of sleep. I was pretty exhausted but there's a reason for that. Yesterday was my last day of work and I am now on a 15 day hiatus from work! I can't help but be ecstatic about it. I am definitely in good spirits.
This past week has been a bit stressful for the most part but I think a lot of the stress was work related which is something that many people experience in their daily lives now-a-days. As I stated in my last post, I've started a new medication. It's an SSRI called Pexeva. It is basically the same as Paxil only a newer version. I've started taking a whole pill now instead of just half. It's 20 mg.
The low down on the pill is that it really does help with the delusional thinking and the ritual activity isn't nearly as bad. I seem to be in a better mood now which is good for a change. The only real down side to this medication is that it seems to really desensitize me meaning that having an orgasm during sex is quite a task. I still am highly sexual. I haven't lost my desire at all. I'm gonna give it a little while because this may just be a temporary side effect that might go away as my body acclimates to the medication. We shall see....
I'm thinking that now would be a good time for me to begin working on how I see things in life. How I think about things and start trying to change my belief system. I think if I can start doing this it will help me be able to handle my OCD without the medication. And with me being off work for the next 15 days, this should be a great time to start.
One of the first things I need to work on is focusing on the things that have a tendency to trigger those unwanted thoughts and anxiety. The biggest culprit for me is caffeine. I am totally addicted to Starbucks. I love their venti mocha frappucincos and double chocolate brownies. Both of which are terrible for my diabetes. Yes, I have that too unfortunately. lol
Anyway that's about where I'm at right now. All I can do is take things one day at a time. That's my plan.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
A 5 day Outlook
I hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day weekend. I am working but that's okay because I sure do need the money. I decided to refrain from posting for a few days just to see how my week would average out mentally. I am now on medication for my OCD along with my antidepressants for my anxiety. I've been on the antidepressants for quite some time and they do seem to help when I have an attack. I just wish that I could learn to deal with my anxiety without meds.
Being that the OCD medication is an SSRI, (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) I've decided to ease into it. I only take half a pill once a day because most SSRIs have a tendency to lower your libido or sex drive and I definitely don't want that to happen.
It seems to be working for the most part. My intrusive thoughts are next to none at the moment and so that means less ritualistic activity which is really nice. However this is something that I'm hoping will only be a temporary thing. I really don't want to have to take meds for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I just wanted to post an update of what's going on with me. I'll continue with this another time as it is getting late and 4am comes very quickly especially when the clock on the wall says midnight.
Sweet Dreams.....
Being that the OCD medication is an SSRI, (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) I've decided to ease into it. I only take half a pill once a day because most SSRIs have a tendency to lower your libido or sex drive and I definitely don't want that to happen.
It seems to be working for the most part. My intrusive thoughts are next to none at the moment and so that means less ritualistic activity which is really nice. However this is something that I'm hoping will only be a temporary thing. I really don't want to have to take meds for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I just wanted to post an update of what's going on with me. I'll continue with this another time as it is getting late and 4am comes very quickly especially when the clock on the wall says midnight.
Sweet Dreams.....
Sunday, August 29, 2010
About The Checking
I wanted to continue talking about checking things over and over each day. As I'd said before, I'm not quite as bad with checking as I once was but I still do check on certain things. There was a period in my life where I would be driving to work or wherever and a thought would come to my mind that would make me begin wondering like for instance...
The coffee pot. I was so deathly afraid to leave the coffee pot on even though it has an automatic shut off on it I just couldn't bear knowing that there was a possibility that I'd left it on. So I'd literally have to turn my vehicle around and drive like a maniac back to my house just to make sure. Of course, once I arrived and saw that the coffee pot was off, I was relieved, not to mention embarrassed but more calm all the same and before heading off again for work, I'd have to make one more final sweep of the entire house to check all of the ashtrays. Getting to work on time was a great challenge for me then and it's a wonder that I didn't get pulled over for driving like I was at the Indianapolis 500. lol
Although I still worry about the coffee pot and the ashtrays, I seem to be able to be content with checking them a few times before leaving, (mainly the ashtrays) and my roommate always tells me that he turned the coffee pot off. He does his best to help me out and I so much appreciate him being understanding. I think it's pretty good that I don't have to drive back home anymore. I don't exactly know how I was able to overcome that but for some reason I don't feel the necessity to do that anymore.
That's another reason that I know that I can get rid of this OCD. I wasn't on any medication back then at all when I stopped checking as much either. Odd isn't it...
I've also noticed that my anxiety level is not as high when I have these little checking activities going on. It seems to just be something that I have to do without that fearful feeling coming over me. I really don't understand this but then again I don't understand lots of things about OCD.
The coffee pot. I was so deathly afraid to leave the coffee pot on even though it has an automatic shut off on it I just couldn't bear knowing that there was a possibility that I'd left it on. So I'd literally have to turn my vehicle around and drive like a maniac back to my house just to make sure. Of course, once I arrived and saw that the coffee pot was off, I was relieved, not to mention embarrassed but more calm all the same and before heading off again for work, I'd have to make one more final sweep of the entire house to check all of the ashtrays. Getting to work on time was a great challenge for me then and it's a wonder that I didn't get pulled over for driving like I was at the Indianapolis 500. lol
Although I still worry about the coffee pot and the ashtrays, I seem to be able to be content with checking them a few times before leaving, (mainly the ashtrays) and my roommate always tells me that he turned the coffee pot off. He does his best to help me out and I so much appreciate him being understanding. I think it's pretty good that I don't have to drive back home anymore. I don't exactly know how I was able to overcome that but for some reason I don't feel the necessity to do that anymore.
That's another reason that I know that I can get rid of this OCD. I wasn't on any medication back then at all when I stopped checking as much either. Odd isn't it...
I've also noticed that my anxiety level is not as high when I have these little checking activities going on. It seems to just be something that I have to do without that fearful feeling coming over me. I really don't understand this but then again I don't understand lots of things about OCD.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Just Checking
Stove turned off? Check. No burning ashes in ashtrays? Check. Coffee Maker turned off? Check. Debit card in wallet? Check & Double Check because I really lose my mind when I don't see that blue little B of A card w/my photo on it in my wallet. Dog & Cat fed & given fresh water? Check. Got my lunch, purse, keys, garage door clicker? Check, Check, Check,Check. Front door locked w/ chain? Check.Are all of the lights off in the house? Check.
Okay, it's time for me to leave for work. I always go out through the back door by the kitchen. Locked the door twice? Check, Check.
So, I'm walking to the garage with a million thoughts flooding into my brain. I get into my vehicle, start it and then all of a sudden I think I should go back into the house just to make sure that the coffee pot is off and the ashtrays have no burning ashes or cigarettes in them. I will say that I have calmed down on this. I don't seem to worry as much about checking things. I do however check the ashtrays in the house before I leave because I have a huge fear of my house catching on fire for some reason. I'll blog more on this subject another time as it's getting late and I need to go to bed.
Okay, it's time for me to leave for work. I always go out through the back door by the kitchen. Locked the door twice? Check, Check.
So, I'm walking to the garage with a million thoughts flooding into my brain. I get into my vehicle, start it and then all of a sudden I think I should go back into the house just to make sure that the coffee pot is off and the ashtrays have no burning ashes or cigarettes in them. I will say that I have calmed down on this. I don't seem to worry as much about checking things. I do however check the ashtrays in the house before I leave because I have a huge fear of my house catching on fire for some reason. I'll blog more on this subject another time as it's getting late and I need to go to bed.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Recognizing the Habit
For as long as I can remember I've had what I often refer to as flashes in my mind of doing harm to someone. Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I DO NOT have any desires to go out and kill anyone or do anyone any harm at all. I don't have it in me to do things like that. I am not a violent person. I never have been. Which is why it was so confusing to me as to why I would even entertain a thought like that. Of course I now know that this is just another one of those unwanted thoughts brought on by my OCD.
Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about. There have been times where I may have been going to get a knife to cut something. Some chicken or a vegetable or whatever and a person would be with me and for a split second I would have a terrible thought of stabbing them which would totally devastate me especially if it were someone whom I am very close to. I KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS TO ANYONE IN MY RIGHT MIND! I don't want to do something like that. I mean if my home were being invaded or I was being robbed or in some sort of dangerous situation where I had to defend myself or be killed then that's a different story but for me to just stab or cut or hurt someone physically out of the blue for no reason at all is totally nuts!! I absolutely hate having these thoughts! I don't want them. They are uninvited thoughts. Unwanted thoughts. OCD thoughts. And anytime I have one of these thoughts I dismiss it from my mind right away. I don't dwell on it or try to analyze it. I just take it out of mind as quickly as I can and that is why I know that I can beat this OCD. If I can stop the unwanted thought in a matter of seconds, ( which is what I always do when I encounter this situation ) then I should be able to apply the same pattern of thought to all of my other unwanted thoughts, right?
Well.....for some reason it's not that easy for me. I think because of the fact that I have such a high regard for life itself and totally loathe the thought of losing people whom I care for deeply and even seeing any person die that that is why it is so much more easier for me to disconnect the thought and remove it from my mind so quickly. I know it is a bad thought. I know it is wrong. I know it is something that I would never ever want to carry out.
A lot of my other unwanted thoughts harbor a huge amount of fear. You see I don't fear that I am going to kill or hurt anyone because I know I could never do that. But the other unwanted thoughts are more deep seeded and are either connected to things I feel that I have no control over or things that just scare me so bad that they put me in an immediate state of anxiety. Like for instance, I know I have no control over whether or not the man I'm involved with finds another woman attractive. I can't stop that from happening. I also can't stop him from having sex with another woman. See? No control. Coincidences are a part of life. You can't control them. They just happen. That's why they're called coincidences. So again they are something that I have no control over and that bothers me for some reason. It's not really the fact that I have no control over the coincidences. It's the fact that I experience them so often that my mind begins believing that they are happening for some kind of reasons mostly negative or bad. And I know that the mere fact that I notice them on such a regular basis is just my OCD acting up. I can make a coincidence out of some of the most minuscule things! Things most people wouldn't even recognize a correlation between but for some reason I do. Irrational thinking? Of course it is!
I've been watching some videos made by a man named Derek Soto. He is an ex-OCD sufferer who puts information on the internet to help people who struggle with all forms of OCD. I've learned from him that OCD is just basically a habit. Just like smoking or biting your nails, OCD is something that a person begins habitually doing in their lives. And just like a person can quit smoking or biting their nails, people can overcome OCD and stop having the unwanted thoughts. Of course it's easier said than done because I am still battling this problem but at least I have accepted the fact that I have OCD and am trying to help rid myself of it or kick the habit. If you'd like to view some of Derek's videos you can go either to you tube and key his name in the search bar or you can go to this website , or you can also go here. He has a mother lode of information that is very helpful.
Well, I'm off work today and feeling much better than I have been for the past 2 days. I had an upset stomach accompanied by cold sweats which was not the most pleasant thing. My head was pounding for 2 days straight but now all of that seems to have dissipated thank goodness. Enjoy your day!
.
Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about. There have been times where I may have been going to get a knife to cut something. Some chicken or a vegetable or whatever and a person would be with me and for a split second I would have a terrible thought of stabbing them which would totally devastate me especially if it were someone whom I am very close to. I KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS TO ANYONE IN MY RIGHT MIND! I don't want to do something like that. I mean if my home were being invaded or I was being robbed or in some sort of dangerous situation where I had to defend myself or be killed then that's a different story but for me to just stab or cut or hurt someone physically out of the blue for no reason at all is totally nuts!! I absolutely hate having these thoughts! I don't want them. They are uninvited thoughts. Unwanted thoughts. OCD thoughts. And anytime I have one of these thoughts I dismiss it from my mind right away. I don't dwell on it or try to analyze it. I just take it out of mind as quickly as I can and that is why I know that I can beat this OCD. If I can stop the unwanted thought in a matter of seconds, ( which is what I always do when I encounter this situation ) then I should be able to apply the same pattern of thought to all of my other unwanted thoughts, right?
Well.....for some reason it's not that easy for me. I think because of the fact that I have such a high regard for life itself and totally loathe the thought of losing people whom I care for deeply and even seeing any person die that that is why it is so much more easier for me to disconnect the thought and remove it from my mind so quickly. I know it is a bad thought. I know it is wrong. I know it is something that I would never ever want to carry out.
A lot of my other unwanted thoughts harbor a huge amount of fear. You see I don't fear that I am going to kill or hurt anyone because I know I could never do that. But the other unwanted thoughts are more deep seeded and are either connected to things I feel that I have no control over or things that just scare me so bad that they put me in an immediate state of anxiety. Like for instance, I know I have no control over whether or not the man I'm involved with finds another woman attractive. I can't stop that from happening. I also can't stop him from having sex with another woman. See? No control. Coincidences are a part of life. You can't control them. They just happen. That's why they're called coincidences. So again they are something that I have no control over and that bothers me for some reason. It's not really the fact that I have no control over the coincidences. It's the fact that I experience them so often that my mind begins believing that they are happening for some kind of reasons mostly negative or bad. And I know that the mere fact that I notice them on such a regular basis is just my OCD acting up. I can make a coincidence out of some of the most minuscule things! Things most people wouldn't even recognize a correlation between but for some reason I do. Irrational thinking? Of course it is!
I've been watching some videos made by a man named Derek Soto. He is an ex-OCD sufferer who puts information on the internet to help people who struggle with all forms of OCD. I've learned from him that OCD is just basically a habit. Just like smoking or biting your nails, OCD is something that a person begins habitually doing in their lives. And just like a person can quit smoking or biting their nails, people can overcome OCD and stop having the unwanted thoughts. Of course it's easier said than done because I am still battling this problem but at least I have accepted the fact that I have OCD and am trying to help rid myself of it or kick the habit. If you'd like to view some of Derek's videos you can go either to you tube and key his name in the search bar or you can go to this website , or you can also go here. He has a mother lode of information that is very helpful.
Well, I'm off work today and feeling much better than I have been for the past 2 days. I had an upset stomach accompanied by cold sweats which was not the most pleasant thing. My head was pounding for 2 days straight but now all of that seems to have dissipated thank goodness. Enjoy your day!
.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
FEARS AND ANXIETY
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN AFRAID? HAVE YOU EVER ALLOWED FEAR TO CONSUME YOU? HAS THERE EVER BEEN A TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU FELT AS THOUGH YOU WERE TRAPPED WITH NOWHERE TO RUN TO OR HIDE? HA! I ASK THESE QUESTIONS WITH THAT SONG BY MARTHA REEVES AND THE VANDELLAS ON MY MIND. YOU REMEMBER? NOWHERE TO RUN TO BABY. NOWHERE TO HIDE.
THERE ARE DAYS IN MY LIFE WHERE I FEEL EXACTLY LIKE THAT AND UNLIKE THE HAPPY FEELINGS AND FOND MEMORIES THAT THAT SONG BRINGS TO MIND, I FEEL COMPLETELY LOST AND OUT OF CONTROL. LIKE A MOUSE IN A MAZE. IT'S AWFUL.
I FELT LIKE THAT TODAY. I WAS PARANOID AND FULL OF ANXIETY AND FEAR. I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT SINCE I WAS AT WORK. I JUST HAD TO RIDE IT OUT. I'VE GOTTEN PRETTY GOOD AT MASKING MY FEELINGS. IT'S VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO BUT I CAN DO IT WHEN I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. I BELIEVE THAT OUTSIDE OF THE OBVIOUS TRIGGERS FOR THESE FEELINGS TO COME ABOUT THERE IS ALSO A DIRECT CORRELATION WITH THE FOODS I EAT WHICH CAN SOMETIMES CAUSE ME TO FLIP OUT. I GUESS IT WOULD MAKE PERFECT SENSE SINCE OCD HAS TO DO WITH SEROTONIN LEVELS IN THE BRAIN.
I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF WORRYING AND BEING FEARFUL OR PARANOID THAT I COULD JUST SCREAM!!
I SHUTTER TO THINK HOW I'LL BE WHEN I GO INTO MENOPAUSE. OMG!! I HOPE THEY HAVE A ROOM READY FOR ME IN THE PSYCH WARD. LOL
I TRY NOT TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO APPROACH ME WITH LOTS OF NEGATIVE DRAMAS BECAUSE I DON'T NEED IT. I HAVE ENOUGH STRESS IN MY LIFE. I KNOW THAT MAY SOUND HEARTLESS BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DEAL WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN BE A BIT OVERWHELMING. SOME OF THE PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN MISERABLE AND AS THE SAYING GOES: MISERY LOVES COMPANY. WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO ENTERTAIN THEM. I IMMEDIATELY INTERRUPT THEM WHILE THEY'RE IN MID SENTENCE AND LET THEM KNOW THAT I DON'T EVEN WANNA HEAR IT. I CAN'T AND IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THEN THAT'S JUST TOO BAD. I HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF. I'M SURE THEY CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO WALLOW IN THEIR ANGER AND MISERY WITH THEM. I'M NOT THE ONE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT SOME DAYS I CAN FIGHT THE FEARS OR PARANOIA AND ANXIETY WITHOUT MEDS BUT MOST TIMES I CAN'T. I'M HOPING THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO WORK ON THAT AND TRAIN MYSELF TO HANDLE THESE FEELINGS IN A MORE EFFECTIVE WAY.
I DIDN'T SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I TOOK 2 SLEEPING PILLS. MY BODY WAS ACHING WHICH IS PROBABLY WHAT KEPT ME FROM RESTING FULLY. I'M PRETTY SLEEPY NOW THOUGH SO HOPEFULLY I'LL GET SOME REST AND HAVE A BETTER START TOMORROW. WE'LL SEE....
THERE ARE DAYS IN MY LIFE WHERE I FEEL EXACTLY LIKE THAT AND UNLIKE THE HAPPY FEELINGS AND FOND MEMORIES THAT THAT SONG BRINGS TO MIND, I FEEL COMPLETELY LOST AND OUT OF CONTROL. LIKE A MOUSE IN A MAZE. IT'S AWFUL.
I FELT LIKE THAT TODAY. I WAS PARANOID AND FULL OF ANXIETY AND FEAR. I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT SINCE I WAS AT WORK. I JUST HAD TO RIDE IT OUT. I'VE GOTTEN PRETTY GOOD AT MASKING MY FEELINGS. IT'S VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO BUT I CAN DO IT WHEN I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. I BELIEVE THAT OUTSIDE OF THE OBVIOUS TRIGGERS FOR THESE FEELINGS TO COME ABOUT THERE IS ALSO A DIRECT CORRELATION WITH THE FOODS I EAT WHICH CAN SOMETIMES CAUSE ME TO FLIP OUT. I GUESS IT WOULD MAKE PERFECT SENSE SINCE OCD HAS TO DO WITH SEROTONIN LEVELS IN THE BRAIN.
I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF WORRYING AND BEING FEARFUL OR PARANOID THAT I COULD JUST SCREAM!!
I SHUTTER TO THINK HOW I'LL BE WHEN I GO INTO MENOPAUSE. OMG!! I HOPE THEY HAVE A ROOM READY FOR ME IN THE PSYCH WARD. LOL
I TRY NOT TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO APPROACH ME WITH LOTS OF NEGATIVE DRAMAS BECAUSE I DON'T NEED IT. I HAVE ENOUGH STRESS IN MY LIFE. I KNOW THAT MAY SOUND HEARTLESS BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DEAL WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN BE A BIT OVERWHELMING. SOME OF THE PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN MISERABLE AND AS THE SAYING GOES: MISERY LOVES COMPANY. WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO ENTERTAIN THEM. I IMMEDIATELY INTERRUPT THEM WHILE THEY'RE IN MID SENTENCE AND LET THEM KNOW THAT I DON'T EVEN WANNA HEAR IT. I CAN'T AND IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THEN THAT'S JUST TOO BAD. I HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF. I'M SURE THEY CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO WALLOW IN THEIR ANGER AND MISERY WITH THEM. I'M NOT THE ONE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT SOME DAYS I CAN FIGHT THE FEARS OR PARANOIA AND ANXIETY WITHOUT MEDS BUT MOST TIMES I CAN'T. I'M HOPING THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO WORK ON THAT AND TRAIN MYSELF TO HANDLE THESE FEELINGS IN A MORE EFFECTIVE WAY.
I DIDN'T SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I TOOK 2 SLEEPING PILLS. MY BODY WAS ACHING WHICH IS PROBABLY WHAT KEPT ME FROM RESTING FULLY. I'M PRETTY SLEEPY NOW THOUGH SO HOPEFULLY I'LL GET SOME REST AND HAVE A BETTER START TOMORROW. WE'LL SEE....
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