An Introduction

Today I met with my new psychologist for the first time. He's a very soft spoken man with a wonderful personality. He has good communication skills and he listens to what I have to say. Even if it isn't that much, he still listens. Our first session was mainly questions about my illnesses and getting to know me better. I feel very comfortable with him. I need to remember to bring in a current list of all of my medications with me on my next visit. And I need to start focusing more on taking my medication each and every day without skipping any doses. It's a bit hard to keep track when you're on the amount of medication I'm on but it can be done if I put my mind to it. I think this is going to work out well with me and the doctor. My next appointment is on Thursday, December 4th at 4pm. I'm looking forward to it.

AFTERSHOCK......

I still seem to be somewhat on edge after going through the other days mental blow out. Mainly fearfulness and paranoia. Paranoia is an awful feeling to have. You think everybody's out to get you or do you harm in some way or that you're being watched by who? I don't know and you think people are talking about you in a bad way. It's overall negativity and very unhealthy.It keeps your anxiety level high which is also no good. All I know is that I must continue taking medications for the rest of my life because without them I'm totally whacked out. and that's why it's so important that I continue to receive my Medicaid insurance. Without Medicaid I won't be able to afford to go see any of my doctors or refill any of my prescriptions. Being that I have no income coming in it really is a Blessing that my prescriptions only cost $1-$2.00. And with the help of family and friends that's how I'm able to afford my medication. I shutter to think what will happen if my Medicaid is takin away from me again. I have to try and stay focused on positive things in my life. The only problem is is that there aren't very many positive things in my life to focus on. I do try to keep busy. With winter comes tons of laundry because my friend, Nick, wears lots of layers of clothing so that keeps me busy. He does a rotation cycle so the laundry loads don't get too huge. Being alone hasn't bothered me too much lately because I have contact with the outside world via my cell phone and my iPad. Don't have tv right now. Directv has been disconnected for about 5 months. One bit of good but bad news......I'll be running out of cigarettes today so I won't have to check the ashtrays as much that is unless Nick rolls me some cigarette tobacco and I smoke rolled cigarettes. And I have a corncob pipe with pipe tobacco and I have some chewing tobacco in the freezer for hard times. Well, it's time for me to go downstairs to the basement and fold the laundry. Talk to you soon.

The Inevitable

Yesterday was the pits. But I always knew in the back of my mind that this day would rear its ugly head back at me with a vengeance. Yesterday I felt as though my OCD, anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorders were just midway before I'd started seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. I'm not for certain what triggered it but I was a nervous wreck. I felt extreme fear and paranoia which is no fun at all. I have been drinking coffee a lot lately and caffeine is definitely trigger. All I know is that I've been strapped for cash and under the wire paying the bills for so long that it keeps me stressed out. So anyway, yesterday I kept on thinking that there was a bill I had overlooked paying on time. I made a payment arrangement with Laclede Gas Co for the downstairs gas bill. I live in a 2-family flat with my best friend, Nick. I noticed a statement saying that we needed to pay $100.00 by the 18th of November. I immediately went into panic mode. I took Nick to work so that I could pay that bill before they turned our gas off. Then when I got home, I called Laclede Gas Co just to make sure they knew I paid the bill so they wouldn't turn the gas off. It was too early to speak with a representative so I used the automated system. To my surprise, I had already paid the $100.00 last week so I didn't need to pay that. Now we owe $.17 cents on the gas bill which in a way is good but in another it's bad because I could have used that money to pay more on my vehicle note darn it! So I came home and wrote out a check for the vehicle note and made out a small shopping list for the Thanksgiving Day holiday. I hadn't taken any of my medications yet and was as nervous as a whore in church. I kept saying to myself, " You've only got 3 places to go. The cigarette shop, the post office, and the grocery store." I was so screwed up that I forgot to bring my punch card in at the cigarette shop and forgot to use my Schnucks teammate discount card at the grocery store. Yeah, yesterday was a rough day. But it's over now. I woke up to a brand new day. I didn't kill myself. All is well.......

Another Day in my Life.....

I just made it home from the pain management specialists office. I have this severe problem where my head droops down as if my neck can't support my head, and I also have lower lumbar back pain. Usually when I return home from the pain management specialists office I feel fine. Today is different. Today my neck is very sore. So much so that the pain is actually spreading into the right side of my head. And I'm out of pain medication at the present time. Drats....one good thing that I noticed is that I wasn't afraid to go and see this doctor. My OCD had me afraid to go to see any of my doctors because I thought they were going to do me harm. Irrational thinking? Yes. Did I realize that it was irrational thinking? Yes, but I couldn't control the unwanted thoughts. Even the doctors I had seen for years became a part of my unwanted thoughts. It was really sad. I remember this one doctor. Well, she's actually a general nurse practitioner board certified. She's my favorite physician. I told her about my unwanted thoughts and we discussed it at length. And before you know it we were both having a little laugh about it. That's how close I am to her. To actually open up about one of my OCD issues and then her being able to put me at ease. Even if it was only for that one day. But now a days, I don't get anxious before any of my doctors visits. The one SSRI or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor I was on, Clonazepam, I had been without it for so long that I guess my brain got used to not having it. You see I had lost my food stamps and Medicad for over a 5 month period and ended up running out of all of my medications which was terribly bad. I couldn't see any of my doctors except for Jean Mueller the nurse practitioner. She agreed to continue to keep seeing me thank God! I went through some horrific withdrawals and could have had seizures from stopping taking my medicine so abruptly. I went weeks with hardly no sleep. It totally sucked. And my Medicaid was taken away because of a mistake in the system.I had plenty of anxiety attacks then and didn't have any medicine to help me. I just had to ride them out. I think I'll stop here. I have to take my medicine for the day. I'm actually late taking it. Maybe I'll come back and post later today or tomorrow.

I'm back with good news!

It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here. Two years to be exact. A lot has happened in these past two years in regards to my OCD. In my last post , I was talking about a new SSRI drug called Pexeva. The prescription price for that drug was free. I never could quite understand why that was. But anyway I was taken off of the Pexeva and put on Prozac and Risperidone. The Prozac didn't seem to be helping me at all so I was taken off of that. I was put on an anti depressant called Viibryd. As for my OCD, I am just about completely free of it. I don't seem to do the rituals anymore. I do still check on things periodically. Like for instance the ashtrays. It's funny because my cigarettes tend to go out if I don't smoke on them but I still have to check. I just can't shake that feeling that the house is going to burn down if I don't. Coincidences don't seem to bother me as much as they once did. It depends on the situation really. I still get unwanted thoughts from time to time. I hate that but it's just something I have to deal with. So on a scale of 1-10, 1 being minuscule to minor and 10 being extremely severe, I'm at about a 4 with the unwanted thoughts. Which I feel is fantastic considering where I was just two years ago. Certain things that triggered my OCD are out of my life now too and that's a big help. One of them was my job. All of the negativity and stress and tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. My activities at home are another big part of making my OCD act up. I used to just sit and pine away waiting for something that was never going to happen. Now a days I keep busy doing things around the house. I don't feel like a prisoner anymore. I do find that I still have the numbers game in my head. For instance, if I'm in the produce dept at the store buying fresh fruit, I always have to make sure that I buy an even number of items. ie: 4 apples, 2nectarines, 6 bananas etc.... But that doesn't really bother me. Well, I've got some laundry to do so I think I'll stop here for now. It sure is good to be back. Until next time.

3 Weeks In.......

Well I'm up early this morning. I think I've had about 12 hours of sleep. I was pretty exhausted but there's a reason for that. Yesterday was my last day of work and I am now on a 15 day hiatus from work! I can't help but be ecstatic about it. I am definitely in good spirits.

This past week has been a bit stressful for the most part but I think a lot of the stress was work related which is something that many people experience in their daily lives now-a-days. As I stated in my last post, I've started a new medication. It's an SSRI called Pexeva. It is basically the same as Paxil only a newer version. I've started taking a whole pill now instead of just half. It's 20 mg. 

The low down on the pill is that it really does help with the delusional thinking and the ritual activity isn't nearly as bad. I seem to be in a better mood now which is good for a change. The only real down side to this medication is that it seems to really desensitize me meaning that having an orgasm during sex is quite a task. I still am highly sexual. I haven't lost my desire at all. I'm gonna give it a little while because this may just be a temporary side effect that might go away as my body acclimates to the medication. We shall see....

I'm thinking that now would be a good time for me to begin working on how I see things in life. How I think about things and start trying to change my belief system. I think if I can start doing this it will help me be able to handle my OCD without the medication. And with me being off work for the next 15 days, this should be a great time to start.
One of the first things I need to work on is focusing on the things that have a tendency to trigger those unwanted thoughts and anxiety. The biggest culprit for me is caffeine. I am totally addicted to Starbucks. I love their venti mocha frappucincos and double chocolate brownies. Both of which are terrible for my diabetes. Yes, I have that too unfortunately. lol

Anyway that's about where I'm at right now. All I can do is take things one day at a time. That's my plan. 

A 5 day Outlook

I hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day weekend. I am working but that's okay because I sure do need the money. I decided to refrain from posting for a few days just to see how my week would average out mentally. I am now on medication for my OCD along with my antidepressants for my anxiety. I've been on the antidepressants for quite some time and they do seem to help when I have an attack. I just wish that I could learn to deal with my anxiety without meds.
Being that the OCD medication is an SSRI, (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) I've decided to ease into it. I only take half a pill once a day because most SSRIs have a tendency to lower your libido or sex drive and I definitely don't want that to happen.

It seems to be working for the most part. My intrusive thoughts are next to none at the moment and so that means less ritualistic activity which is really nice. However this is something that I'm hoping will only be a temporary thing. I really don't want to have to take meds for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I just wanted to post an update of what's going on with me. I'll continue with this another time as it is getting late and 4am comes very quickly especially when the clock on the wall says midnight. 
Sweet Dreams.....